I have been trying to analyze what is different this time.
Why do I not have the usual urge to use as soon as I set foot in Cape Town?
The following has come up for me.
At Inner Peace I was heard for the first time.
You see, my substance use disorder was very much my way of having a voice, of demanding attention so that people would grasp my confusion and pain. At Inner Peace my confusion and pain was heard. I wasn’t told that I was crazy, or DIFFICULT or a misfit. I was validated and understood.
There was nothing in me that WANTED to rebel. What did I have to rebel against, if I was told that Amelia at her core was a worthwhile person? If the reason why I continuously used was understood, and if I was given a healthy platform to voice every emotion in me that I felt I needed to express,clearly I now feel fundamentally different.
I cannot put into words what it feels like to know that I am understood now by not only others but, most importantly, myself. I am sitting here in Cape Town only wanting to nurture this new relationship that I am experiencing with myself, and others, and the world. I am sitting here wanting to utilize all the energy I expended on my using and rebellion into something else.
Yes, I feel this tremendous amount of energy now that I can now utilise to live fully,rather than self destruct. I can now use this energy to start living in the true sense of the word,a life that is in congruence with the Amelia that I discovered during my months at Inner Peace and FRASERBURG.
An Amelia that I WILL protect at all costs.
I am now at the secondary facility for Inner Peace in Cape Town, a platform from which I can start to re-establish the trust of my family, as I try to explain the inner transformation I experienced at Inner Peace, an inner transformation that is not dependent on me being in FRASERBURG, as I have bought the transformed Amelia with me,and this is a relief that I can’t describe.
I know now that what I experienced at Inner Peace was real,and I have bought that change with me.
So, yes, Cape Town is indeed the same.
It is me who is different.
Same city, different person.