Amelia’s blog – part 4

What went wrong?????
This is too difficult for me. I will have to write later.
Yet I am struggling to sit still with myself. This all happened so quickly.
I am sitting here in a state of shock and disbelief. It is now the following morning.
Johan is adamant that I pick myself up and we carry on where we left off, that I do not allow myself for ONE more minute TO buy into the part of my mind that is now telling ME that I am an addict and will never be able to do it. That is not MRT. THAT IS THE VERY THINKING THAT WILL KEEP ME STUCK. I CLEARLY DIDN’T WANT TO GIVE UP, IF I HAD, I WOULD HAVE CLEARED OUT MY MOTHER’S HOUSE, AND would be with my dealer right now in his flat.
So that was not it.
And I have been told not to analyze it too much,but in a nut shell I BECAME COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED BY THE IDEA OF STARTING OVER IN CAPE TOWN FROM SCRATCH,WITH NO MONEY, A HUSBAND THAT I WAS ONLY GOING TO SEE OCCASIONALLY, AND RETURNING TO A CITY WHICH I NOW INCREASINGLY REALISED WAS A TICKING TIME BOMB IN TERMS OF WITHSTANDING THE URGE TO USE GHB. JUST KNOWING THAT IT WAS ACCESSIBLE AND WAS CAPABLE OF KILLING EVERY EMOTION THAT I WAS SITTING WITH THAT SATURDAY AFTERNOON, WAS JUST TOO MUCH FOR ME TO WITHSTAND.
I HAD A LOADED GUN TO MY HEAD,AND I PULLED THE TRIGGER.
AND YES THE NEXT THING I KNEW I HAD A PARAMEDIC ASKING ME WHAT I HAD TAKEN,AND TAKING ME TO HOSPITAL.
NONE OF THIS WAS MY INTENTION.
IT HAPPENED THAT QUICKLY.
LETS LOOK AT THE DAY AGAIN.
I WAKE UP IN A SPACE OF INTENSE DEPRESSION, A DEPRESSION THAT SEEMED TO GATHER MOMENTUM DURING THE COURSE OF THE MORNING, A DEPRESSION THAT SEEMED TO STEM FROM MY ORIGINAL EXPLANATION AS TO WHY I ALWAYS CONTINUE TO USE,AND THAT IS NOT BEING ABLE TO ACCEPT AND COME TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THAT MY MARRIAGE AND HOME AND ENTIRE LIFE IN CAPE TOWN HAD TO START FROM SCRATCH DUE TO ME HAVING SPENT ALL MY MONEY ON USING, GAMBLING AND LIVING THE HIGH LIFE BETWEEN JUNE 2017-May 2018.
It just seemed seeing my husband again, no matter how successful it had been,bought up a loss and longing that increasing became too much for me to sit with.
at 1pm I was on the phone to Inner Peace explaining that I felt I couldn’t make it in Cape Town, and 4 hours later I had collapsed on GHB outside my mother’s house.
A counselor left Inner PEACE in FRASERBURG at 5-30am the following morning to come and offer me unconditional love and support and hope.
And the next day I was on bus back to FRASERBURG. My safe place, where I have no access to GHB.
I fought the urge to get off the bus at Bellville with every ounce of strength in me, as that is where my dealer lives, and I knew that he would collect me, and that I would be able to stay with him. My cravings were so intense that day, I was not sure how much longer I could fight them. I just knew I had to stay on that bus and get the hell out of Cape Town.
Once I was through the Huguenot tunnel I could breathe again. There was now distance between me and GHB. I started to cry with relief.
And this time the song that described how I felt about my return to Inner Peace,and a therapist who knew my battle, and would not in any way judge me for not being strong enough to withstand the pull of GHB, was Pinks song “Love me anyway”.
ALL I KNEW WAS THAT I HAD TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I COULD NOT ACCESS GHB, AND TO A PLACE WHERE SOMEONE, EVEN IF IT WAS JUST ONE OTHER HUMAN BEING, WHO IN THIS CASE HAPPENS TO BE MY THERAPIST AND CLINICAL DIRECTOR OF INNER PEACE, UNDERSTANDS EXACTLY WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH, BUT ALSO KNOWS AND HAS WITNESSED MY POTENTIAL AND AS A RESULT WILL HELP ME NOW FIND MY LIFE’S PURPOSE.
I DO NOT HAVE TO FIND IT ALONE,I WILL BE SUPPORTED EVERY STEP OF WAY,I JUST NEED TO GO BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD.
DO I GO BACK TO THE ORIGINAL IDEA WE HAD OF ME WRITING MY BOOK? An idea we were pursuing before I started my blog.
Tomorrow I will check in with Johan again.